My personal journey thru transvestism is probably no dif- ferent from that experienced by most of us. Beginning with an attachment to lingerie, I grew from partial dressing to the point where I was only satisfied with the total transformation. For the past 8 years I have seldom dres- sed only partially, enjoying most the feelings and associations of becoming sensual and elegant when wearing lovely things. But even that failed to adequately satisfy me after a while, and I found myself asking the question "Is that all there is?" as I began to reach out for the first time to correspond with my sisters.

Although I am certainly not a trained psychologist, my search for self-acceptance and self- un- derstanding has driven me to read everything written on the subject that I could find, re- gardless of how technical it might be. At first my concerns centered on the question of "why", and after years of ag- onizing over this question I am finally satisfied within myself that I have a comfortable answer. Ironically, I reached that answer at about the same time that my wife concluded that it really didn't matter why as long as I was honest with myself; all that was really important was that this was a need I had which

had to be satisfied.

The reading which served as the catalyst for my personal conclusion, the "why" quest- ion began in the "Playboy" series on "Human Sexuality". In an article entitled "The Sex Chem- icals" by Jo Durden-Smith and Diane De Simone (April 1982) the research of Dr. Gunter Dor- ner, head of the Institute for Experimental Endocrinology at Humbolt University, East Berlin, was described at great length.

Dr. Dorner's central thesis is that the hypothalmus of the brain is

BUT

WHERE

AM I GOING

preprogrammed endocrinologic- ally as far as gender behavior is conderned. Although, as with scientific theory, differences of opinion do exist, Dr. Dorner's work is attracting many advo- cates in this country who are professionals in the area area of transgendral behavior. So, I'm satisfied that I was born with a predisposition that was activated and nurtured during my youth.

So, now that I think I know why and where I am. I find myself compelled to search for the answer to the question of "Where am I going?", just as I was inexorably drawn towards full dressing from my initial beginnings.

A great deal of my quest for self-understanding is rooted in the revolution in American sex- ual thinking that has taken place in the last 10 years. Thanks large- ly to the partnership of feminism and science which exists because the parties to it are asking the same questions, the definitions of masculine and feminine behavior are changing. What besides the obvious, social be- haviorists are asking, is a male? a female? Is anyone wholly feminine or masculine, or are we all at different points on a con- tinuum? I have long believed the

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- JAMIE, Ohio

latter, that each of us is a collect- ion of what society has arbitrar- ily defined as masculine of femi- nine characteristics, but which sum up to each person's own unique personality. I think that it is the extreme variety of per- sonalities that makes life inter- esting; i.e. "vive la difference!" I look forward to the day when each of us is free to honestly express our full personality without arbitrary societal con- straints.

us

Thus I agree with ERIN'S observation that we are all women as well as men; some of us more so than others. Those of who have recognized that feminine inner part of our being, whatever its'size, are on the path to full personality expression, which is the way I interpreted the meaning of the original name of Tri-Ess "FPE". Crossdressing should cause us to examine our attitudes towards what it really means to be a woman and the affectations many consider pri- mary to feminine behavior... For me that has been a most en- lightening process.

In the process I have be- come a feminist (although you'll never catch me burning my bra!). The feminist movement originat- ed in the need for society to ab-